30 Days of Truth- Day 1- What do you hate about yourself?
What I HATE about myself?? Hate is such a harsh word! But if I had to come up with something, I’d say I hate how I cannot quit while I’m ahead. I should know by now that I have a limit on how much I can do. For example, 3 days of waking up early and doing fun stuff non-stop until late at night. The drinking with family and friends probably didn’t help either. But I have noticed a pattern in my behavior. That pattern is, if I do lots of stuff, for an extended period of time, I will pay for it via my Lupus. First, my grandmother came in early May. We had tons of fun, planted lots of flowers and vegetables, and had fun for days and days. Well, a few days after she left, I was hospitalized (of which I wrote about in the previous blog). I got out of the hospital and within a week my cousin and her husband came to visit. We wanted to give them the ‘Colorado experience,’ so went out to eat at a restaurant in the mountains, we took them to Red Rocks amphitheatre, and went to the casino….all in the first night! I also took them up to Estes Park, and Rocky Mountain National Park, Old Chicago to have drinks with friends, hot tubbing, and a BBQ. Well, by the day they left (Monday), I could barely get out of bed because everything hurt so bad. My wrists, elbows, knees, and ankles were all swollen and extremely painful. My dad had to help me walk downstairs because it felt like I was walking on two broken ankles. Now, I do have to admit that I had a bit to drink the night before, which probably compounded with the fatigue and lupus symptoms. By Tuesday I could walk alright, but I stayed in bed the entire day due to extraordinarily painful stomach cramping and spasms. Which is the same thing that put me in the hospital a little more than a week ago. The only reason I didn’t go back to the hospital is because I just had a full workup and knew I would be ok. So I loaded up on the stomach cramping medicine (doxycycline) which helped minimally at best. It wasn’t until I took two of my morphine pills that I was able to function a little, and went downstairs to make some food to eat.
I was wondering, if anyone who has lupus has this type of stomach issue. It doesn’t have to be accompanied by an ‘upset stomach,’ but can be. The way I’d describe it is like gas pain x 50….or more. And it’s throughout my intestines. A friend and I call it the demons in my stomach, because sometimes you can see it spasming all over. The doctor in the hospital thought it is most likely inflammation in the lining of my intestines, kind of like pleurisy of the lungs…which IS a common lupus symptom.
Anyways, I went to my new primary care physician today and I absolutely love her. Even though I was 25 minutes late (oops!) she sat with me for the better part of an hour, listened to all of my crazy history, and actually seemed to comprehend it and take it all in. She changed around my sleeping medicines because I was concerned 3 different medicines were too many. So now I am going to try 2mg of Klonopin every night instead of Ambien, Klonopin, AND Trazadone. She also refilled my morphine— thank goodness! (I need it worse than ever with this new stomach issue I’m having). She gave me the 30mg extended release for daily use and 30 pills that are 15mg of instant release for breakthrough pain. She also changed my stomach spasm medication to something way more intense, called DONNATAL. Hopefully it will work better, but I don’t pick it up from the pharmachy until tomorrow. So I’ll have to let you know on that one.
My first physical therapy appointment (evaluation) is tomorrow, and hopefully doing physical therapy again will help relieve some of my hip and knee pain. I’m excited to go to the physical therapy appointment, because they will be able to tell me what kind of workouts other than just yoga that I can do at the gym. Because I am ready to work out and get into super good shape! I have a new goal: to climb all 52 of the 14′ers in Colorado. [for those of you that don't know, that's all the 14,000+ foot mountains in the state]
Back to the subject of what I hate about myself… I hate how I just can’t quit while I’m ahead. As I was saying above, I have definitely noticed a pattern. I will just go, go, go, and I keep going, until I’m falling asleep at the dinner table- literally. Then I’m in bed for days because I just had to have fun with everyone else. I need to learn my limit, which I am quickly doing. Although, health wise is not the only think I don’t quit while I’m ahead with. I typically talk myself into a hole and wish my foot into my mouth!!! lol. Hate is a strong word, but I guess being too determined is an alright thing to have to hate about myself.
What about you guys? What is something you hate about yourself? Hopefully nothing! But I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Hopefully the physical therapy appointment goes well tomorrow. I’ll write about it! Until then, ttyl!
xoxo Beccaboo
I love your story, it makes me feel like you are pulling everything out of my head. I have the same problem as you, I go, go, and go, until it is so bad that I am in bed for three day or a week. I have just starting getting stomack pain all around my bladder. I have a perscrition for it and it does work. With summer here I love to go out back and enjoy the weather but to much of it leaves my in bed for a few days again. I also have Osteoporosis in my spin, left hip and leg. Which now makes it hard to walk for a long time with my dog.
So the thing I hate about myself is not being able to do what I want to do.
xoxoxo Jackie
I understand where you are coming from Jackie! Turns out the doctor gave me a different spasm medicine than the original one she was prescribing… I’ll have to look up the name of it. So far I think it’s working ok but I haven’t had cramps/pain to the severity that it was for a few days now to know. If you don’t mind me asking, what medicine were you prescribed?
I also enjoy going outside and enjoying the weather, but with my sun sensitivity ends up making me sick as well if I stay out too long! All I can say is hopefully these struggles will only make us stronger through time. I’ve learned so much about myself and others in the 6 or 7 months since I’ve been diagnosed.
About the osteoporosis, are you on any medication or have you tried physical therapy? I’m a strong believer in physical therapy- after all, it did help me to walk again!
Good luck to you! And I’m glad I’m not the only one over-doing it out there
WHAT I HATE ABOUT MYSELF???
I hate that I say things when Im mad…things that I DONT mean.. things that can be hurtful to people….I feel like God never gave me a filter when he built me.
I have been trying REALLY hard lately to just BITE my tongue. I just get so mad, with certain situations, that I just feel like IM bursting at the seams…..in particular Hubby’s ex-wife, who has literally made my life HELL in the past, and recently…
Rachel, I’m sorry
I don’t always have a filter either and it definitely gets me into trouble sometimes. My advice, is to take some deep breaths- count to ten slowly (cheesy I know) and things will cool off.
P.S- How are you doing??? I heard fantastic. Text me soon!
I HATE the way I look. Figure wise. I was diagnosed with lupus in 2010-2011. I was 18. I started the symptoms at the age of 14. First thought by Dr. was I had scleroderma (similar to lupus) because my mom has it. I have always been tiny. I have never weighed more than 107. Right now, I’m only 100lbs. It’s part of the lupus for me, i can’t gain weight and it hard because I don’t feel pretty in my own skin and I cant fix it
I understand where you are coming from. I’m just on the other side of things. I’ve always been around 120lbs and within a few months of starting heavy steroid treatment I ballooned up to a massive 180 pounds. My body- especially my skin- just couldn’t handle it. Not only did I get stretch marks, but they are bright red, and physical tears in my skin. I doubt I will ever look the same- even though I’ve lost 30 of those pounds, I am still forever changed.
BUT, you know what? I call them my tiger stripes! They are my battle wounds. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it, so there is no reason I should live in despair (nor should you). Carpe diem, seize the day. Don’t worry about how you look, don’t worry about others judging you, and ESPECIALLY don’t judge yourself. I’m sure you are absolutely beautiful. Inside AND out! Remember, we ALL suffer from internal struggles, and everyone wants to change something about themselves. Think about all the people out there who would love to be your weight. Yet it is a struggle for you. The hardest things, are the things we cannot control. So, sometimes we just have to let go of the reigns and see where things take us. You’d be surprised how good it feels.
Don’t give up, don’t give in- you will get through this- and you will end up happier than ever.
This girl, Lizzie Velasquez, inspired me a lot. You might be interested. I even follow her on twitter now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmunU4JcEPc&feature=related .
Thank you, your absolutely right. i am hard on myself with the way I look. My drs have put me on every type of protein and vitamin to help me gain weight, but never much of a success. I try to do whatever I can still to feel comfortable in my own skin.
And thank you I will definitely check out her website
Good luck, and keep in touch. Things can always get better…and usually do! Keep your chin up, and a smile on your face. xoxo
Thank you!
Hello there sweet girl! I JUST found your blog and I must say that you are such a joy! Everything that you write is just like reading my own words hahaha. If I have to HATE anything about me it is the same as you…I go and go and go until I fall. Then I can’t get up for a few days. Not only do I have Lupus but I also have something called RSD. I have had RSD since I was 11 (and I am now 30) most rsd stays in one place but mine has gone to most of my lower body and now is going all the way up my spine. It causes so much pain and there are often days that I can’t walk or even lift my arms very high. My joints and bones are always hurting so much and RSD also causes pain on the skin (it is like someone is burning your skin sometimes when it is touched.) So factor in Lupus and the rsd plus my need to go, go, go and I too am like you.(please don’t think that I am trying to make you feel sorry for me cause that’s the last thing that I would ever do. I am just trying to give you a little medical info on me so you understand my reasons for needing to take it a little easy.) I often wonder why it is that I can’t make myself take it a little easy. I am also a mother of 3 wonderful little ones. They are my world and what keeps me going…but when you have 3 little guys you have to be on your toes at all times no matter what your health issues are hahaha. I try my best to set limits on what I can and can’t do but it never works. I’m trying more and more every single day and maybe one day I will learn to just ease off a little. But also I have always told myself that “if I lay down and stop for long it won’t be as easy to get back up.” So I guess that I am going to keep on going (but try to give into the need for rest sometimes also.)
Anyway beautiful, I just want you to know that you have made my morning so much brighter. I have been up ALL night (I never sleep but I am sure that you understand that.) I have been in so much pain all night and this morning that I was a little down and out and really needed to smile. You have done just that! So thank you girlie! You are in my prayers. Keep on fighting and going…but try to rest when needed!
Lot’s of hugs to you my Lupie friend,
Sara
I have a dear friend that has RSD, she was actually my first roommate in the hospital when I was diagnosed with lupus. It is terribly painful, and I cannot imagine having it combined with lupus….and kids!!! YOU are really an inspiration! Any time you are feeling down, I’d love to chat. I’ve been busy lately, but busy is no excuse to stop writing
It is a release for me. Have you tried it? Sometimes when I am down and can’t sleep it’s nice to just ‘write it out’!
I look forward to talking with you more in the future.
xoxo