30 Days of Truth- Day 1- What do you hate about yourself?
What I HATE about myself?? Hate is such a harsh word! But if I had to come up with something, I’d say I hate how I cannot quit while I’m ahead. I should know by now that I have a limit on how much I can do. For example, 3 days of waking up early and doing fun stuff non-stop until late at night. The drinking with family and friends probably didn’t help either. But I have noticed a pattern in my behavior. That pattern is, if I do lots of stuff, for an extended period of time, I will pay for it via my Lupus. First, my grandmother came in early May. We had tons of fun, planted lots of flowers and vegetables, and had fun for days and days. Well, a few days after she left, I was hospitalized (of which I wrote about in the previous blog). I got out of the hospital and within a week my cousin and her husband came to visit. We wanted to give them the ‘Colorado experience,’ so went out to eat at a restaurant in the mountains, we took them to Red Rocks amphitheatre, and went to the casino….all in the first night! I also took them up to Estes Park, and Rocky Mountain National Park, Old Chicago to have drinks with friends, hot tubbing, and a BBQ. Well, by the day they left (Monday), I could barely get out of bed because everything hurt so bad. My wrists, elbows, knees, and ankles were all swollen and extremely painful. My dad had to help me walk downstairs because it felt like I was walking on two broken ankles. Now, I do have to admit that I had a bit to drink the night before, which probably compounded with the fatigue and lupus symptoms. By Tuesday I could walk alright, but I stayed in bed the entire day due to extraordinarily painful stomach cramping and spasms. Which is the same thing that put me in the hospital a little more than a week ago. The only reason I didn’t go back to the hospital is because I just had a full workup and knew I would be ok. So I loaded up on the stomach cramping medicine (doxycycline) which helped minimally at best. It wasn’t until I took two of my morphine pills that I was able to function a little, and went downstairs to make some food to eat.
I was wondering, if anyone who has lupus has this type of stomach issue. It doesn’t have to be accompanied by an ‘upset stomach,’ but can be. The way I’d describe it is like gas pain x 50….or more. And it’s throughout my intestines. A friend and I call it the demons in my stomach, because sometimes you can see it spasming all over. The doctor in the hospital thought it is most likely inflammation in the lining of my intestines, kind of like pleurisy of the lungs…which IS a common lupus symptom.
Anyways, I went to my new primary care physician today and I absolutely love her. Even though I was 25 minutes late (oops!) she sat with me for the better part of an hour, listened to all of my crazy history, and actually seemed to comprehend it and take it all in. She changed around my sleeping medicines because I was concerned 3 different medicines were too many. So now I am going to try 2mg of Klonopin every night instead of Ambien, Klonopin, AND Trazadone. She also refilled my morphine— thank goodness! (I need it worse than ever with this new stomach issue I’m having). She gave me the 30mg extended release for daily use and 30 pills that are 15mg of instant release for breakthrough pain. She also changed my stomach spasm medication to something way more intense, called DONNATAL. Hopefully it will work better, but I don’t pick it up from the pharmachy until tomorrow. So I’ll have to let you know on that one.
My first physical therapy appointment (evaluation) is tomorrow, and hopefully doing physical therapy again will help relieve some of my hip and knee pain. I’m excited to go to the physical therapy appointment, because they will be able to tell me what kind of workouts other than just yoga that I can do at the gym. Because I am ready to work out and get into super good shape! I have a new goal: to climb all 52 of the 14′ers in Colorado. [for those of you that don't know, that's all the 14,000+ foot mountains in the state]
Back to the subject of what I hate about myself… I hate how I just can’t quit while I’m ahead. As I was saying above, I have definitely noticed a pattern. I will just go, go, go, and I keep going, until I’m falling asleep at the dinner table- literally. Then I’m in bed for days because I just had to have fun with everyone else. I need to learn my limit, which I am quickly doing. Although, health wise is not the only think I don’t quit while I’m ahead with. I typically talk myself into a hole and wish my foot into my mouth!!! lol. Hate is a strong word, but I guess being too determined is an alright thing to have to hate about myself.
What about you guys? What is something you hate about yourself? Hopefully nothing! But I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Hopefully the physical therapy appointment goes well tomorrow. I’ll write about it! Until then, ttyl!