Wheelchairs suck. That’s all there is to it. Having to be pushed around by someone else is never an fun idea, suppositionally or in actuality. I’m generally a positive person, but if there’s one sure way to bring you down- it’s a wheelchair, literally. I hate being in a wheelchair. I hate having to sit all the time, I hate having to push myself with wheels that collect dirt etc as I go. I hate it when people look at me like I’m broken. News flash- I’m a pretty damn strong lady. If you think because I’m in a wheelchair and you held the door for me that you are a good person, thank you, but that doesn’t count for your good deed of the day. I’m just as normal as you, except I happen to be going through visible hard times. Harder than you think, and no I still don’t want your sympathy.
I don’t want to NEED someone to help me. I don’t want it at all. But I do need it. And therefore I blame my wheelchair. Admit it, when you see someone in a wheelchair, you wonder what their sad story is… or you rush to try to help them. But you aren’t helping because it makes it easier on me/them. It’s to make yourself feel better.
I’m going through so many internal and external struggles right now I couldn’t even list them on all my fingers and toes. But I’m pushing through it… I’m keeping my chin up for the most part. Today, I feel angry, tomorrow I may feel apathetic towards it all.
At some point soon, I will write a blog capturing my hospital stay last week (8 days this time). But not right now. Right now, I’m going to practice walking. Because that’s what I have to do. In physical therapy I can now stand up, and [make a step]. And then after one step, there are more.
This week I started my step towards a new happiness. As my dad recently told me, my life is not ever going to be what I wanted or expected it to be…. and I have to deal with that. I realized that was true. It was a harsh realization, but then I realized something else. Maybe the life I thought I wanted- maybe the path I thought I needed to follow- wasn’t. Maybe this new path has been meant for me all along and will make me better for who I am now.
Just a thought.